Have you ever begged for a miracle? I have. Twice now.
I remember the first time like it was yesterday. I was twelve years old and had just sneaked into my mom’s email only to read the single most painful email [I hope] I’ll ever read with information my parents had not shared with us yet. I can still see the words that read, “There’s nothing else the doctor can do.” A memory I would give anything to erase. I immediately ran to my bedroom and sobbed into my pillow as I begged God for a miracle, as I begged for my mom. I didn’t get that miracle…
It’s been almost seven months exactly since I began this genetic testing journey. A journey filled with fear, uncertainty and the most support I’ve ever felt in my life.
I received my results on Friday afternoon. I didn’t immediately open them; a decision i contribute to fear. I’ve never felt lonely in this journey, but as I was driving home from work thinking about how my life would drastically change in a few moments, lonely is all I felt.
Who could understand the decisions I would have to make to ensure I wasn’t a third generation of women in my family to die from ovarian cancer? And all at 22 years old. Loneliness is a scarier feeling than fear.
I sat down at my computer, and with the curser on the link to my results, I prayed…
“Lord, help me to be okay with whatever results you’ve chosen for me. Help me to trust that this is the path my life is meant to go and this is Your perfect plan. Your will be done, in Heaven and on Earth. [Queue the begging, with tears streaming down my face] But God, I really need a miracle here. I really need to not have this gene.”
Begging anyone, but especially God, is a humbling experience. To beg is to give up all control.
I took a deep breath and clicked the link… I wasn’t at all prepared for what I saw.
“No gene mutation identified.”
God gave me a miracle!
I immediately started sobbing. My face in my hands, full ugly cry. I couldn’t believe it. I instantly grabbed my tattoo on my wrist for my mom as though I was grabbing for her.
What this means is that I don’t have the BRCA 1 & 2 gene mutation that can cause Breast and Ovarian cancer. I also don’t have the gene mutation for 14 of the other most common cancers. And I have no idea how other than God. There are no 100%’s in this, but my chances are drastically lower. I used to think I was ticking time bomb for this cancer, and now I know that I’m not.
Shortly after my mom passed away, her best friend came to the hospital. I was cleaning because I needed to distract myself and not think about what had just happened. Her friend grabbed me, hugged me tighter than I ever have been and said “She always said you were her miracle baby and you are.” Every day since, I’ve chosen to believe that everything happens for reason and God will show me my reason one day if I pursue it. I think I’m starting to see it through this journey.
I say start because I have no idea where I’ll go from here, but I know I need to do something to use my life and this miracle. If you’re wondering if you should get this test done, the answer is yes. Seven months ago I posted the verse below and prayed it continuously.
I encourage you to do exactly what these words say; have no fear of bad news, but trust God. Even if the results aren’t what you want, you’ll have answers that could save your life.
“He will have no fear of bad news; his heart is steadfast, trusting in the LORD.”
For now, I’m going to continue to celebrate and be so thankful for these results. When I figure out my next steps, I’ll post them right here! Thank you for the prayers, the kind words and everything in-between throughout this process! You will never know what it means to me.